We’ve all done it before. Popped in our copy of Madden and played God by designing our own all-99 player. He runs a 4.1 40-yard dash, has the accuracy of Peyton Manning, the leadership of Tom Brady, and arm of Jay Cutler, and – just for kicks – the tackling power of 2001-era Ray Lewis. So who stacks up better – a figment of your video game imagination? Or real flesh and blood video game athlete Colin Kaepernick?
Tale of the tape
Tale Of The Tape: Colin Kaepernick Vs. Overpowered Video Game QB
| 80. Wait, what? 80? Come on, EA Sports. You gotta get with the program. | Rating in Madden ‘13? | 99, because you’re a cheater! YOU’RE A DAMN, DIRTY CHEATER! |
|---|---|---|
| While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points. | Better Name? | Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them. |
| While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points. | College? | Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them. Winner: QB |
| In his first playoff game Kaepernick put up 263 and 181 rushing yards, which was not only the most rushing yards a quarterback has ever gotten in a game (playoff or otherwise), but he also set a postseason rushing record for the 49ers regardless of position. | Most Impressive Performance? | It doesn’t matter what you did in your video game. It’s not as impressive. |
| All indications suggest that Kaepernick should be a reliable and entertaining quarterback for a number of years, pending any unforeseen circumstances. | Upside? | While your video game quarterback will provide hours of entertainment in the next calendar year, he will be a fossil by the time Madden ‘14 comes out. |
| When Kaepernick was 10, he got a tortoise named Sammy. That tortoise is now 115 POUNDS! AWWW HOW COOL IS THAT!? | Has an Awesome Pet? | No. |
The winner is
Colin Kaepernick
4 out of 6
The Verdict? Colin Kaepernick, 4-2! Let’s see if he can keep this mojo going in the playoffs!
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