Hey Flash,

So I have to ask, do women REALLY deliberately trick men into getting pregnant? This girl I’ve been seeing. Let me rephrase that, sleeping with, just told me she’s pregnant. Not that I’m not excited about being a father, but I think she may have gotten pregnant on purpose cause now she’s all excited, she’s got a baby and a paycheck. 

Signed,

[redacted]

Dear Father-to-be,

Well first off, Congrats! … every child is a blessing whether we plan for it or not.

But need I remind you that a child grows from your seed, and if you don’t want to grow a spontaneous baby, then you probably shouldn’t go planting them, know what I’m saying.

Anyway … A lot of girls are going to be mad at me for admitting this … but yes.  Though most girls are surprised to see those two pink lines — women can and do get pregnant on purpose. And you guys don’t make it that hard either.

But to give a disclaimer, I am NOT one of those women. In fact, I don’t think I even have a biological clock. Seeing all my girlfriends have babies, whether expecting and unexceptionally, has acted more like birth control for me.  I get to go to countless baby showers a year and hold their babies, so I’m good. Though, I’m so bad, when a single girlfriend tells me she’s pregnant, I don’t know whether to be excited or scared for her.

But as I was saying, most (normal) women do want children. Their clock starts ticking, and it manages their sex drive. A natural desire to be fruitful and multiply … and if you would make a good father, then watch out because she will un-naturally trap you with the oh so powerful baby maker if she wants to.

This happens quite a bit … why do you think so many athletes have so many kids?

I was actually a Human Sexuality T.A. during my tenure at Virginia Tech, and while that doesn’t make me a professor by any means, I do feel it qualifies me to give you guys a quick little birds and bees talk. Plus, I got the street cred from hearing some of the unbelievable things women have done in order to catch the fastest sperm.

First and foremost – there is the My Days app. See exhibit A.

Exhibit A

I even have this app as it’s the most effective reminder of when annoying Aunt Flow is coming to visit. But as you can see, it not only tracks menstruation, but OVULATION! And many women use it like a Doppler radar to track that. So they can know when NOT to have sex if they’re not trying to make a baby, or when to have sex when they are, you follow?

Fact: a woman can only get pregnant within the ovulation period. But note: Sperm can stay alive in the uterus for up to three days, or even longer for those with Michael Phelps swimmers. Yet, a woman’s egg only lasts for 12-24 hours. That’s her window.

So here’s an idea … just don’t have sex those few days!  Problem Solved.

Abstinence is after all, the only 100% effective way of preventing pregnancy. Just like your old gym teacher told you when you were 10, they just failed to mention that there’s only a small window to which that would need to be applied.

But guys, if you (you know … ) in a woman, then that’s your own damn fault. You can say you got tricked, or seduced, and cry a river. But you have to control your seeds! Think of yourself as a gardener who only wants to fertilize the land when you’re ready to grow yourself, and raise another little gardener.

But as for the tricks … here are some of the things I’ve heard girls do.

*She can tell you she’s on birth control – heck, she could be on birth control, but she could conveniently forget to take her pill. Don’t buy it … the pill, shot, IUD, Nova Ring, or any other woman-only-understands kind-of birth control device doesn’t protect against STDs anyway.

*I’ve heard of women poking unopened condom wrappers with needles so they’ll have holes in them without the guy noticing the secret escape route. Supply your own tools.

Why would a woman plot a pregnancy in a not ideal circumstance?

Well aside from her biological clock ticking like she’s wearing Flava Flav’s watch – some women do it out of insecurities. Which is a selfish reason to bring a child into the world, if you ask me.

They want to hold on to a man, or think that a child will change him. Or they may just want someone around to nurture and love …  I personally opted to just adopt a dog. And sadly, but honestly, some women do just want a paycheck — payment for the job of being a mother. Which is the best and most important job for any women … when the time is right for that promotion.

But more times than not, pregnancies aren’t planned or plotted out like a tower heist, and it’s rather amazing to see someone with absolutely no preparedness to parent, transform into the men and women they’d want their sons and daughters to be.

But don’t front like you guys don’t have a biological clock too … I had a fiancé that behaved a lot like the women I talked about in this blog. But that’s a whole other story for another time.

Hope that answers your question – and others you didn’t necessarily ask

~Flash Girl