“I have a boyfriend” is not code for, “try harder,” — that’s just one of the many woman-translations men need to understand …
I could write a book translating girl talk for men. Like when we say, “I don’t want anything for my birthday” we really mean “think of something yourself, but you better do something for it!” — I feel for you guys, the woman code can be as hard to crack as DaVinci’s. And then we get irritated with you for not being able to read our minds.
But what I can go ahead and tell you straight up is what NOT to say to a woman, and what we really hear when you say it.
1. “My ex-girlfriend is crazy!”
Unless you can site very specific details that we might need to know, like “she physically assaulted me and may try to kill you,” don’t point fingers.
That translates to us as: “I was a bad boyfriend, pissed her off a lot, and refuse to take responsibility for my own faults in the failed relationship.”
It’s a cop out, and makes you look like a jerk – and worse, one of our “girlfriends” that talks behind our backs. Don’t be a girl about your old girls. Show some integrity and respect for your past relationship (unless you ever had to call the cops on her for vandal or abuse or something). You liked her at one point, so does that mean you’re crazy too? Girls understand we can all act a little crazy sometimes, and some are just legitimately insane. Show us your character, not hers.
You’re better off just saying something simple (if anything at all) like, “She just had some things she needed to figure out and the timing was wrong.” or “It just wasn’t God’s will for us to be together.” Or just be honest and admit your contribution to the failed relationship … and how you learned from it. The honest answer is always the right answer, even if it shows fault. As different as men and women are, we also learn by making mistakes. We already know you’re not perfect, and admitting your mistakes shows us you’re a better man than you were boy, that’s all. And if you’re honest with us about your mistakes and you strive not to repeat them, we’ll reciprocate that.
If a girl asks you “Do I look fat in this?” DO NOT say yes! Even if she does. Because chances are if she asked, she can feel those few lbs she’s put on. That, or she’s just really insecure and needs your constant reassurance. Either way, you don’t want her to feel anything less than beautiful! So just say, “I liked the other outfit better.” And whatever you do, don’t say to her: “Are you really going to eat that?” Next week I’ll elaborate on how to politely tell your woman she’s gaining weight without getting slapped.
DO NOT talk about how much money you have!
I can’t even count how many boring conversations I’ve smiled politely through where a guy’s talked aimlessly about all his expensive man toys, wise investments, expensive travel plans, social status access, and how he pops bottles with models.
What we hear: “I am an insecure soulless d-bag that buys women’s affection like emotional prostitutes because I use women as a signaling device for status.”
And name dropping does not make you sound cool, it just makes you look clumsy. Pick up your game and sell yourself — who you are and not what you do. You can’t buy a real woman, you have to earn one by being a good man. Your net worth does not dictate your worth.
You see, you men have it all wrong. You think you need to buy us flowers, diamonds, overpriced food, and purses … but really, we just want your time. That is the most valueable resource you could ever offer us. Time is money, after all.
And besides, a humble man is sexy.
On the other hand there are things you SHOULD say to a girl that men don’t say enough …
Drake said it best, “I’m so proud of you.”
Even before feeling beautiful, we want to feel accomplished. So make us feel that way by reminding us how proud you are of us for having brains underneath our beauty. And yes, I do realize I’m a country radio DJ and just quoted Drake.
And if you ever do slip up and say the wrong thing here is what you can do to get out of the dog house …
Send her flowers at work!
Not only is it a sweet gesture from you, but she gets to display them on her desk and show them off to all her coworkers, so she can gush over how thoughtful and loving her lover is. You look like Prince Charming, and you get more mileage out of the short lifespan of flowers. And it also shows she’s taken. So it’s a win-win for you. You score, and play defense all in one shot.
Need a female code cracked? Got a question for me? Just e-mail FLASHGIRL@WFNZ.COM